The Social Psychology of Leading Well

Great leadership starts with noticing where we’re operating from…

Leadership doesn’t happen inside your head. It happens in relation to the people around you. Everything from your confidence to your decision-making to your sense of “how well you’re doing” is shaped by social context.

This isn’t a weakness. It’s human.

Yet so much advice for leaders ignores this reality.

Don’t compare yourself to others.
Give yourself the validation you need.
Don’t worry about what people think.

Lovely in theory. Almost impossible in practice. Because we’re wired to compare, relate, adjust, belong, and respond to the people around us.

The goal isn’t to eliminate these influences, choose to ignore them or allow them to take hold completely. It’s to notice them so you can choose the extent to which you allow them to influence you moment by moment.

We lead in relation, not in isolation

Our behaviour is constantly shaped by our environment. Here are some simple examples leaders have shared with me:

• You walk into a room where everyone seems confident and polished.
  Without realising it, you shrink a little, speak less, hold back your idea.

  Or, you stand a little taller, take up more space and prove to everyone that you belong too. That’s upward comparison affecting your behaviour.

• A team member asks a challenging question in a meeting.
  Your stomach tightens. You interpret it as criticism, even though it wasn’t. You’re worried about saying the wrong thing and appearing incompetent.
  That’s a mix of impression management and attribution bias.

• You’re the only woman, person of colour, introvert, neurodivergent leader in the space.
  You feel pressure to represent your whole group rather than simply be yourself.
  That’s social identity shaping your emotional load.

• Your boss praises the person next to you.
  You instantly wonder whether you’re doing enough.
  That’s your self-esteem being regulated socially, not internally.

When you can see these forces clearly, everything changes. Not because the influences go away, but because you gain agency to choose what to do with them.

Why simplistic leadership advice falls short

Telling someone not to compare themselves is like telling them not to feel hungry.

Comparison isn’t the problem. It’s human and it serves us. What’s harmful is the unconscious impact comparison has on your motivation, confidence, and emotional state.

The same goes for validation. Humans evolved to read social cues because belonging meant survival. Expecting a leader to rely only on internal validation is unrealistic and unfair. How would you possibly know if you were doing a good job or if you were a kind person if you didn’t have a frame of reference.

Real growth begins when we replace soundbites with nuance.

Noticing the forces that shape your leadership

Here are four places where noticing pays off:

1. Social comparison
You compare. Everyone compares. The work is to ask: Is this helping me grow or shutting me down?
Example: A high-performing peer gets promoted. Instead of spiralling into self-doubt, you ask what this comparison is showing you about your aspirations and where you might want to grow.

2. Identity and belonging
Your in-groups shape how you behave.
Example: A leader from a culture that values harmony avoids conflict, even when clarity is needed. Once they notice the script, they can choose a different approach - courage with compassion, perhaps.

3. Impression management
We all adjust ourselves in social spaces.
Example: A leader always comes across “professional” (I call these ‘shiny people’) but never vulnerable. The team sees competence but not humanity. Noticing this might be an incentive to be more open with the aim of building connection and trust.

4. Attribution biases
We make meaning fast.
Example: A team member is quiet in meetings. You assume disengagement, lack of care. In reality, they feel intimidated. Noticing your quick, automatic judgment and getting curious with your colleague about what might be holding them back creates new possibilities.

A moment that brought this home

At a recent retreat, I had a moment of deep connection where I could hold two truths at once: I can be a generous, steady presence for others and meet my own needs without guilt.

For someone who grew up tuned to other people’s expectations, that’s big. It didn’t arrive through force. It took time and started with noticing.

Leading well begins with awareness of context

Inside Out Leadership is built around this idea: that great leadership emerges when you understand both your inner world and the social forces shaping it.

When you notice:

• the comparison

• the identity pressures

• the impression you’re trying to manage

• the story you’re telling about someone else

• the expectations you’ve absorbed

you gain choice.

And choice creates intentional leadership: the kind grounded in connection, clarity, courage, curiosity, and compassion.

It’s not neat. It’s not linear. And it’s not a silver bullet.

But if you’re up for a deeper, human journey that honours both your complexity and your potential, this work will change how you lead and how you live.

Because leadership begins in the noticing.