The Trouble with “Near Enemies”

On the surface, rigidity and discipline look similar: structure, order, consistency. But while discipline creates resilience and flow, rigidity shuts us down, making us brittle in the face of change.

This is what Brené Brown and Adam Grant describe in their recent podcast series around Brown’s book Strong Ground. The idea comes originally from Buddhist psychology, which names “near enemies” of the heart qualities (like compassion and equanimity). They’re dangerous because they masquerade as virtues - they sound noble, they feel right, but they erode the very quality we’re aiming for.

And they show up everywhere in leadership and life.

Seven near enemies that matter at work

Here are some of the ones I see most often in my coaching with leaders:

1. Rigidity ↔ Discipline

• Case study: A CEO insists on sticking to the original three-year plan, despite clear signals from the market and investors calling for something different. Their discipline is praised… until the company finds itself out of step, losing opportunities.

• Near enemy dynamic: Rigidity mistakes stubbornness for strength. It resists adaptation and often comes from a place of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of judgement, fear of being wrong.

• Pivot: Discipline is about consistency in service of growth. Ask: “Is this structure still serving the outcome we want?”
  

2. Pity ↔ Compassion

• Case study: A manager sees an employee struggling and lowers expectations, giving them easier tasks. The intention is kindness, but the effect is disempowerment.

• Near enemy dynamic: Pity creates distance (“poor you”) and a one-up/one-down dynamic rather than connection.

• Pivot: Compassion says, “I see your struggle, and I’ll walk alongside you.” Keep expectations intact but add support.
  

3. Complacency ↔ Mindfulness

• Case study: A team lead prides themselves on being calm. In practice, they avoid addressing tensions in meetings. Conflict festers, decisions stall.

• Near enemy dynamic: Complacency is presence without engagement - being checked out rather than tuned in.

• Pivot: Mindfulness is active awareness. Ask: “What’s really happening here, and how do I want to respond?”
  

4. Sameness ↔ Common Humanity

• Case study: A well-intentioned HR director says, “We’re all the same here, we need to treat each other as equals.” It sounds inclusive, but staff from under-represented groups feel unseen and unheard.

• Near enemy dynamic: Sameness erases difference under the guise of unity.

• Pivot: Common humanity honours both what connects us and what makes us unique. Ask: “Whose voice isn’t being heard, and how can we make space for it?”
  

5. Perfection ↔ Excellence

• Case study: A leadership team delays launching a new programme because they want it flawless. By the time it’s ready, the opportunity has passed.

• Near enemy dynamic: Perfection kills momentum and learning.

• Pivot: Excellence is high standards plus iteration. Ask: “Is this good enough to move forward and learn from?”
  

6. Arrogance ↔ Confidence

• Case study: A confident leader states their perspective and invites challenge. An arrogant leader states their perspective and dismisses everyone else’s - falls into defending, justifying, explaining. The difference is felt immediately in the room.

• Near enemy dynamic: Arrogance dominates and shuts others down.

• Pivot: Confidence creates space. Ask: “Am I speaking to add value, or to prove I’m right?”
  

7. Demeaning ↔ Demanding

• Case study: A headteacher sets high expectations for staff and students - and provides the support to reach them. Another, under pressure, slips into sarcasm and shaming language. Both are “demanding,” but one builds capacity and the other erodes trust.

• Near enemy dynamic: Demeaning uses shame as a motivator; demanding stretches people toward their potential.

• Pivot: Ask: “Am I challenging in a way that builds people up, or tears them down?”
  

Why this matters for leadership

Near enemies matter because they are seductive. They let us believe we’re embodying something good, when in fact we’re practising its shadow. And in leadership, that shadow ripples out widely:

• Rigidity stifles adaptability.

• Pity disempowers.

• Complacency lets problems fester.

• Sameness silences.

• Perfection paralyses.

• Arrogance shuts down collaboration.

• Demeaning destroys psychological safety.
  

And, as we reflect, let’s not forget the “fundamental attribution error” which invites us to absolve ourselves from our sins and critically judge others. As you read this, did you find yourself thinking about all the things other people around you do wrong? 

The work is not to judge ourselves harshly when we notice these patterns - but to recognise them, pause, and pivot.

Because the difference between the near enemy and the real quality is often the difference between a team that survives and one that thrives.