Caught, not taught: What leaders are really teaching without saying a word

You’ve probably heard the phrase “children don’t do what you say, they do what you do.” Swap out "children" for "teams" and you've got a leadership truth that’s rather inconvenient. 

Much of what we learn - about ourselves, about leadership, about what is acceptable - is not formally taught. It’s absorbed. Osmosed. Picked up from the air we breathe, the glances across the meeting table, the raised eyebrows at a new idea, or the silence when someone is brave enough to speak up.

This is what’s caught, not taught.

The Unspoken Curriculum of Leadership

As leaders, whether we like it or not, we’re walking, talking case studies. We model not just what’s possible, but what’s permissible. We create the blueprint for how others behave - not through policy or pep talks, but through how we show up in the room, especially when things get tough. And the things we allow to pass without challenge - but that’s for another article. 

You can roll out as many values posters, psychological safety surveys, or vision statements as you like, but if your daily behaviour doesn’t match your message? Your team will feel the dissonance. And they’ll respond in kind.

Here’s what I’ve learned from coaching leaders across sectors, and what I’ve seen time and time again:

• Your team won’t be vulnerable if you aren’t.

• They won’t reflect deeply if you’re constantly rushing.

• They won’t give feedback if you flinch or push back (defending and explaining) every time you get it.

• They won’t take risks if you punish mistakes.

• They won’t say no if you never do.

• And they definitely won’t bring calm, creativity, or courage if what they’re “catching” from you is fear. 

And let’s be honest - you’ve caught things too.

We’ve all worked in organisations where burnout was the badge of honour. Where the loudest voice in the room got the most airtime. Where fear sat silently in the corner of the room like an elephant, shaping every decision.

These cultures weren’t “taught” through handbooks. They were modelled into existence.

The Science Behind the Catch

While I didn’t cite any academic papers in my original post on this back in 2023 (and I still believe lived experience has its place), there is research that backs this up. Social learning theory, for starters - the idea that people learn behaviours by observing others - has decades of evidence behind it. Neurobiologically, we are wired to mimic others through the mirror neuron system. It’s part of how we’ve evolved as social animals.

What this means practically is: your nervous system is contagious.

When you regulate your own stress, model calm in the chaos, and respond instead of react - you’re giving your team something profoundly valuable. You’re letting them borrow your calm until they can find their own. You’re signalling that safety is possible - even here, even now.

The Double-Edged Sword

Of course, this works both ways. Leaders who are anxious, overextended, or reactive often unintentionally create teams that mirror those same qualities. Cultures built on urgency, perfectionism, and approval-seeking don’t emerge out of nowhere. They’re modelled, reinforced, and eventually internalised.

That’s the shadow side of "caught not taught" - and it’s extremely powerful.

But the good news is that culture can shift when leadership does.

When a leader starts modelling healthy boundaries, suddenly others feel they have permission to do the same. When a leader owns a mistake, it normalises learning over blame. When a leader listens - really listens - it changes what others are willing to say.

Small, visible acts of alignment between values and behaviour add up. They are the culture.

So, What Are You Modelling?

This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being intentional. You’re already modelling something (as my dear friend Maggie always says) the question is: what?

Are you modelling overwork or sustainable pace?
Control or trust?
Certainty or curiosity?
Defensiveness or growth?

The most powerful leadership development tool isn’t a new framework. We have plenty of those, thank you! It’s self-awareness. Because when leaders lead from a place of self-regulation, purpose, and grounded presence - they create the conditions for others to do the same.

And that’s where culture begins to transform. Not through what you say, but through what you embody.

Reflection questions for leaders:

• What might your team be catching from you right now — even unintentionally?

• What would you love for them to catch instead?

• Which behaviours do you find hardest to model consistently?

• And what support do you need to model what matters most?